Self-Evaluation

I think its easy to say I'm not one to stay the same each year. Meaning my mindset and outlook on both life and how I view myself does not always stay the same. Externally, maybe the key features to me stay the same. That expression, "people never change" is true to the extent of what the confines of a person's personality is. Example: I think 8/10 people would say I have good intentions when it comes to be a good friend. It would be out of the ordinary if I just stopped caring. Internally, maybe my mindset differs.

So, for my own good, time for a self evaluation.

"State of Mind 2010"

Family: I want to be appreciative of what I have. I wish I knew more about my lineage and I wish the days where the extensive network of my family beyond the house can get together can happen when it isn't Chinese New Years, or a wedding. I feel like out of all my cousins, I am the most well-known when it comes to my (bear with me) mom's cousins' kids. I just wish I knew all their names.

My Health: I truly feel like I've slimmed down from working so much in the summer. My lack of going to the gym is the reason I don't feel like I have that less than 1 inch muscle mass on my arms or pecs.

Friends: I know we can't go back to the days where we were carefree and just simply fucked around with time just to have fun. We're all growing up and prioritizing our lives to prepare for the future. In no way shape or form am I personally upset about not being as close-net and "together" than before. I'm actually more upset that when I'm free, I can't find something to do and resort to calling everyone to see "whats up" haha. I know its illogical to think "man, everyones in a relationship or at work than to hang out" and thats the truth. I look at myself and think. What haven't I done that are similar? I just spent a WHOLE SUMMER working and not being able to make it to some friend events (mexican night) and I lost touch with them for a WHOLE YEAR when I had a girlfriend years ago. I don't like hypocrites so I should NEVER be one myself.

My Besty: To me, she's like the sister I never had. Deep down, its hard for me to tell it to your face or even on AIM haha. Don't EVER let anyone tell you "you can't or shouldn't do this or that" and that includes me. You do what you feel is best for yourself. Here and then you'll do some irrational things but ask me for advice and I'll do my best to let YOU look at how you are situated in life so you will make your own decisions. But I will never tell you to do what I FEEL is best for you. And if you feel like I do that, call me out on it. We've been through a lot, more ups and downs (thank god) but really, you're irreplaceable. So, I owe more than just a simple thanks. Be yourself and don't fall under pressure. (Your biggest flaw is how you handle pressure haha)

School: I have concluded that I have no passion for school but I need to get it over with so I can just get that diploma and finally have the time to pursue my own personal interests. I've been thinking about going back for a second degree.

Work: 3 years at Hollister and it wasn't until the summer of 2010 that I began enjoying it. The managers and coworkers of that time were the BEST I have ever worked with and I really felt like we were one big family that connected beyond the realms of "the pier". But deep down, I think my days there are numbered. (But I've been wrong about that many times) I just hope this store can run more smoothly than it has and avoid all the dramas.

Money: I could always use more but I need to stop lying to myself. I AM NOT FINANCIALLY SECURE and I found out about that today.

Love: The one thing I've struggled with for a long time and the one thing thats hurt me a lot. Maybe I'm not ready or haven't found the right person. It's a trial and error thing. Maybe it's not even about "love", maybe I just don't want to be bored and lonely all the time.

Clothes Sizes: I'm putting that down to remind myself to NEVER purchase anything above a size SMALL. NEVER!

My self-image: I welcome change in the positive light. I deeply want to do something new with my hair. I want my wardrobe to fully fit me. (NEVER PURCHASE ABOVE A SIZE SMALL!) Unlike last year, this year I didn't care about having anything muscular about me. I want a light mustache and beard combo.

Additional comments: I'm blessed to be able to have a lot of things: Loving parents that cooperate and look out for me. My own part of the house for the sake of feeling more independant and "adult-like". The most connected group of friends that celebrate enough holidays TOGETHER. A best friend who is multi-dimensional in a sense that she can listen and talk to me about anything. A good sense of self-control (I may be old enough to drink but I still love my soda). I'm just as flawed as any human being can be and I am not perfect nor will I ever will be but I will never intentionally fake myself in front of those who know me well.

My best quality just happens to be my greatest flaw. I like to help. I like to offer an input. I want to change someone's life. I just want to be accepted (don't we all?). But that quality has led me to being taken advantage of and pressures me to "never refuse" (happens at work a lot). It's what hurt me the most in the beginning of the year when I really felt a strong connection with someone but turns out I was being used and I paid the price. I would probably make a good fallen soldier. One who died knowing and feeling he did the right thing even if it probably wasn't or completely irrelevant to the cause.