Losing

I was pretty upset throughout yesterday.

Maybe it was cause I was bored in general or maybe I wasn't satisfied with the direction my life has been going as of late.

2 or 3 blogs ago I vaguely wrote down how I felt about how I felt I was being treated by others.

I was frustrated with a lot of things, it wasn't any particular someone.

It ranges from a lot of people down to work, school and even when im stuck in traffic.

I think back to these last few years and the extent of which I put myself in front of others.

It's crazy how I put my faith into others to an extent where I get hurt.

And when I finally get hurt, I leave. It's been a vicious cycle for a longtime.

Maybe I feel unappreciated, overlooked, or I'm just no longer confident in relying on myself that I always need someone to be with.

Doesn't necessarily mean it's "love" or anything beyond the realms of friendship.

I've helped people I've disliked. Maybe it's just how I am.

I remember hating my job for the longest time, it wasn't until the last summer when I finally enjoyed being there.

Now, not as much. Nothing got easier and I'm bothered with having being scheduled until 10 pm and not leaving on time.

I look at the situation with my car insurance and I dont think the things I did for a certain someone in the beginning of the year were truly worth it.

It's hard to have things your way when you feel like you've got everything to lose.

I feel like my best days were the days when nothing mattered to me.

Days when I had no car, when money wasn't essential to having a good time.

Those best days, I had nothing to lose.

Nowadays, when I feel that I have nothing to lose, I lose a lot.

That car accident forever scarred me. More upsetting that the person with me simply moved on.

It's an analogy to how I feel about the way I'm looked at by others.

It's almost as if I was simply expendible. When I'm no longer capable of fulfilling expectations, I'm on my own again.

Maybe my approach to life has been wrong. I'm no longer self-serving, the guy you couldn't stand in high school because he felt he was always right.

Its hard to change who I am. I remember when I changed so much for my ex (really softened me up), I called her out on that during our last argument and she told me she wouldn't do the same to me because shes at her comfort zone.

In other words, she had full control of the relationship and didn't want to lose it.

Ive accepted that I have no control in my life, there is so much uncertainty that the way ive been handling things these past years are no longer applicable.

I don't wanna change who I am. I don't wanna lose again.