I had a dream last night where I was being chased in a bright white maze by a lot of police and I had reached a dead end.
This dead end had a black screen that somehow, I knew would be to instant death and no trace of myself in the physical world.
I was given a choice of spending a life alone in solitary confinement or jump into a black screen that is guaranteed death.
I didn't hesitate in thinking, I had nothing to lose. So I jumped.
Next thing is, I have no body. Just thoughts and emotions floating in pitch black darkness.
Things that ran through my mind were:
"This is death?" "I can't move, but I'm floating" "Is there a God? Pull me out"
A few seconds later, I wake up.
Back to My Comfort Zone
So what was in store for this weekend?
Well, I've got 2 online homework assignments.
2 projects for 2 classes.
1 online quiz.
1 exam to study for by Tuesday.
So as of Sunday to Tuesday night, I am booked.
Is there work? Nope. Do I plan on hanging out with my beloved friends? Nope.
So that just leaves me with one focus and that's school. As overwhelming as that checklist is. I've already finished half the amount by today.
With nothing else getting in my way, I'm in my comfort zone. There's some good rain outside and best of all, I've exhausted all my fun into yesterday and last night.
I'm in my comfort zone.
Well, I've got 2 online homework assignments.
2 projects for 2 classes.
1 online quiz.
1 exam to study for by Tuesday.
So as of Sunday to Tuesday night, I am booked.
Is there work? Nope. Do I plan on hanging out with my beloved friends? Nope.
So that just leaves me with one focus and that's school. As overwhelming as that checklist is. I've already finished half the amount by today.
With nothing else getting in my way, I'm in my comfort zone. There's some good rain outside and best of all, I've exhausted all my fun into yesterday and last night.
I'm in my comfort zone.
Moving On
Another one out the window, time to move on.
I easily deceive myself. Isn't the first time, pretty sure it won't be the last.
Take it easy on me, I'm only human. <3
I easily deceive myself. Isn't the first time, pretty sure it won't be the last.
Take it easy on me, I'm only human. <3
Uncertainty
I've been asked
"is it school?" - No, school is just there. I may not like it but I gotta deal with it.
"is it work?" - Partially but can't do much without the money right?
"is it your friends?" - No, we're all growing up and they're just putting their priorities right.
"is it a girl?" - Hasn't been for more than half a year. On and off feelings but nothing solid.
"is it family?" - They're always there. A lot less out of the way lately
Been asked that, no definitive answer.
But nobody asked,
"is it just you?" - It's all me. Just me. Lonely.
"is it school?" - No, school is just there. I may not like it but I gotta deal with it.
"is it work?" - Partially but can't do much without the money right?
"is it your friends?" - No, we're all growing up and they're just putting their priorities right.
"is it a girl?" - Hasn't been for more than half a year. On and off feelings but nothing solid.
"is it family?" - They're always there. A lot less out of the way lately
Been asked that, no definitive answer.
But nobody asked,
"is it just you?" - It's all me. Just me. Lonely.
Outlet
I need some sort of outlet. Something like a private psychiatrist.
Haven't been my usual calm self. Doesn't feel like stress.
When your table is full of cracks, splinters, removed paint; you can easily place cloth over it in order to appeal it to others.
This cloth can come in a variety of colors and designs. It can be made of the finest material.
Velvet to the touch, glamorous to the eyes...
But how long do you keep it on before it breaks down from within, starts withering away and then no longer able to sustain itself?
Will the cloth help a broken table? Will it restore what it is back to its former glory?
A cloth will sugarcoat the table but it takes genuine care, delicate attention to detail, a sense of dedication and all the right tools to restore it.
Maybe someday that table will no longer need that cloth. Or maybe someday that table will breakdown on itself and that cloth is rendered useless.
I still have my "cloth" over.
Haven't been my usual calm self. Doesn't feel like stress.
When your table is full of cracks, splinters, removed paint; you can easily place cloth over it in order to appeal it to others.
This cloth can come in a variety of colors and designs. It can be made of the finest material.
Velvet to the touch, glamorous to the eyes...
But how long do you keep it on before it breaks down from within, starts withering away and then no longer able to sustain itself?
Will the cloth help a broken table? Will it restore what it is back to its former glory?
A cloth will sugarcoat the table but it takes genuine care, delicate attention to detail, a sense of dedication and all the right tools to restore it.
Maybe someday that table will no longer need that cloth. Or maybe someday that table will breakdown on itself and that cloth is rendered useless.
I still have my "cloth" over.
Heavy Rain
So I spent practically this whole weekend alone. (well, not entirely but I found myself alone a good majority of the time)Hanging at a bar with EJ and Andy, going to Jourdan's place for beer and games. Michele's birthday dinner and chilling with Joyce for a few hours.
Aside from that, I had a bit of good leisure time alone. The thought of it now being Monday and having school tomorrow scares me. Anyways, I found a bit of interest in something at the moment.
I have never experienced a video game as intense and emotionally driven until I played this game, Heavy Rain.
To make things short, a child has been kidnapped by a killer and you have 3 days to stop the boy's death.
The game asks the question of "How far are you willing to go in order to save a life". One crazy thing I had to do was crawl on top of broken glass to get through a tunnel...freakin' crazy.
So its a deep game and I hope to finish it soon. Next thing this game tells me to do is cut off my own finger. CRAZY
Hella Stupid
"Don't ask me, you're all just going to yell at me when I answer" - Mom
"You deserve to get yelled at cause you're an idiot" - Me
UPDATE
"I dont know, you told me not to ask" - Dad
"Pointless, you're just gonna yell at me!" - Mom
"YOU'RE AN IDIOT!" - Me
"You deserve to get yelled at cause you're an idiot" - Me
UPDATE
"I dont know, you told me not to ask" - Dad
"Pointless, you're just gonna yell at me!" - Mom
"YOU'RE AN IDIOT!" - Me
Losing
I was pretty upset throughout yesterday.
Maybe it was cause I was bored in general or maybe I wasn't satisfied with the direction my life has been going as of late.
2 or 3 blogs ago I vaguely wrote down how I felt about how I felt I was being treated by others.
I was frustrated with a lot of things, it wasn't any particular someone.
It ranges from a lot of people down to work, school and even when im stuck in traffic.
I think back to these last few years and the extent of which I put myself in front of others.
It's crazy how I put my faith into others to an extent where I get hurt.
And when I finally get hurt, I leave. It's been a vicious cycle for a longtime.
Maybe I feel unappreciated, overlooked, or I'm just no longer confident in relying on myself that I always need someone to be with.
Doesn't necessarily mean it's "love" or anything beyond the realms of friendship.
I've helped people I've disliked. Maybe it's just how I am.
I remember hating my job for the longest time, it wasn't until the last summer when I finally enjoyed being there.
Now, not as much. Nothing got easier and I'm bothered with having being scheduled until 10 pm and not leaving on time.
I look at the situation with my car insurance and I dont think the things I did for a certain someone in the beginning of the year were truly worth it.
It's hard to have things your way when you feel like you've got everything to lose.
I feel like my best days were the days when nothing mattered to me.
Days when I had no car, when money wasn't essential to having a good time.
Those best days, I had nothing to lose.
Nowadays, when I feel that I have nothing to lose, I lose a lot.
That car accident forever scarred me. More upsetting that the person with me simply moved on.
It's an analogy to how I feel about the way I'm looked at by others.
It's almost as if I was simply expendible. When I'm no longer capable of fulfilling expectations, I'm on my own again.
Maybe my approach to life has been wrong. I'm no longer self-serving, the guy you couldn't stand in high school because he felt he was always right.
Its hard to change who I am. I remember when I changed so much for my ex (really softened me up), I called her out on that during our last argument and she told me she wouldn't do the same to me because shes at her comfort zone.
In other words, she had full control of the relationship and didn't want to lose it.
Ive accepted that I have no control in my life, there is so much uncertainty that the way ive been handling things these past years are no longer applicable.
I don't wanna change who I am. I don't wanna lose again.
Maybe it was cause I was bored in general or maybe I wasn't satisfied with the direction my life has been going as of late.
2 or 3 blogs ago I vaguely wrote down how I felt about how I felt I was being treated by others.
I was frustrated with a lot of things, it wasn't any particular someone.
It ranges from a lot of people down to work, school and even when im stuck in traffic.
I think back to these last few years and the extent of which I put myself in front of others.
It's crazy how I put my faith into others to an extent where I get hurt.
And when I finally get hurt, I leave. It's been a vicious cycle for a longtime.
Maybe I feel unappreciated, overlooked, or I'm just no longer confident in relying on myself that I always need someone to be with.
Doesn't necessarily mean it's "love" or anything beyond the realms of friendship.
I've helped people I've disliked. Maybe it's just how I am.
I remember hating my job for the longest time, it wasn't until the last summer when I finally enjoyed being there.
Now, not as much. Nothing got easier and I'm bothered with having being scheduled until 10 pm and not leaving on time.
I look at the situation with my car insurance and I dont think the things I did for a certain someone in the beginning of the year were truly worth it.
It's hard to have things your way when you feel like you've got everything to lose.
I feel like my best days were the days when nothing mattered to me.
Days when I had no car, when money wasn't essential to having a good time.
Those best days, I had nothing to lose.
Nowadays, when I feel that I have nothing to lose, I lose a lot.
That car accident forever scarred me. More upsetting that the person with me simply moved on.
It's an analogy to how I feel about the way I'm looked at by others.
It's almost as if I was simply expendible. When I'm no longer capable of fulfilling expectations, I'm on my own again.
Maybe my approach to life has been wrong. I'm no longer self-serving, the guy you couldn't stand in high school because he felt he was always right.
Its hard to change who I am. I remember when I changed so much for my ex (really softened me up), I called her out on that during our last argument and she told me she wouldn't do the same to me because shes at her comfort zone.
In other words, she had full control of the relationship and didn't want to lose it.
Ive accepted that I have no control in my life, there is so much uncertainty that the way ive been handling things these past years are no longer applicable.
I don't wanna change who I am. I don't wanna lose again.
Paradise
...
Don't it hurt so much
You left me out of touch
But I walked the road to the way cause you believed,
Oh para paradise
Seek and you shall find
But somehow I was left behind
...
Oh para paradise
只想跟你一起
一起走向這一天
...
Don't it hurt so much
You left me out of touch
But I walked the road to the way cause you believed,
Oh para paradise
Seek and you shall find
But somehow I was left behind
...
Oh para paradise
只想跟你一起
一起走向這一天
...
iPhone
I'm tired of the iPhone to Verizon rumors.
It's gotten to the point where these rumors are treated like they're real and they're pushing it to the point where we all sort of expect there to be one.
Meh, I'm probably more annoyed at the fact that my contract expires in December and Apple better release an upgraded iPhone 4 with a better antenna.
It's gotten to the point where these rumors are treated like they're real and they're pushing it to the point where we all sort of expect there to be one.
Meh, I'm probably more annoyed at the fact that my contract expires in December and Apple better release an upgraded iPhone 4 with a better antenna.
